Please advise! What about the US midterms?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The mid-term elections in the United States provided a powerful rebuff to Donald Trump and the Republican Party. The democratic blue wave hit big. Democrats now control both the House and the Senate, and even state governorships in Georgia and Texas.

are you happy

signed,

Nemesis

dear sister,

It could not be true, but this was a big win for Lake Ontario. As of today, the real Lake America now stretches right across the US map – blue as far as the eye can see.

It was a rotten night for a lot of rotten people. JD Vance, who accused immigrants of eating cats and dogs, has now been served a crowbar by his home state. Ohio sent a Democrat to the Senate. Plus, Democrat Amy Acton is now Ohio governor-elect, after defeating Vivek Ramaswamy, who took home the consolation prize of Most Despicable TV Ad. He gets a small trophy shaped like Stephen Miller and a nice assortment of frosted possum pellets.

Texas GOP Senate candidate Ken Paxton, a bipedal smorgasbord of corruption, malfeasance, crime, intolerance, immorality and idiocy, actually managed to lose. A Republican. In Texas. This is a state where you’d expect Republicans to vote for Steve Bannon’s tapeworms. But Paxton? No. Too much.

And it didn’t stop there. Texas Governor Greg Abbott, staunch champion of Donald Trump, abortion bans, concealed weapons, thoughts and prayers, chemical pollution, homophobia and religious indoctrination, the man who pardoned the killer of a Black Lives Matter protestor, the man who put underclothed migrants on buses and finally discovered them in the north fell in the snow. somehow lost their appeal. Democrat Gina Hinojosa put her ass on the boo-bye bus. Thoughts and prayers, Greg. Now piss off.

Trump really thought he could keep the magic going. He was out there stumping, in his own inimitable way. Ridiculous scare stories about trans people, weird comments about men’s asses, the usual personal smears and of course more racist bile. He said eventual Michigan victor Abdul El-Sayed would be the first senator to have to go through a metal detector. This, from the guy who called for the worst act of domestic terrorism the US Capitol has ever seen.

Once upon a time, Republicans used racist dog whistles on the campaign trail. Trump doesn’t do dog poop. He prefers racist kazoos. Trump is a racist table saw cut through a steel pipe. He’s a racist hailstorm on a rented U-Haul.

Did Trump’s tactics work? Like a dead rat on a buffet table. He was like a new Bond villain, Turdfinger – his stench was lethal. You may recall that Trump once promoted an AI video of himself in which he was shown dumping raw sewage on American protesters. Replace those protesters with GOP candidates, and the clip looks like a documentary.

We don’t know what will happen now with Trump’s tariffs, but here’s some good news for the economy: Elon Musk has spent half a billion dollars running nasty and ultimately futile ads for Republicans. Thanks for the economic stimulus, Bruh. Next time build a hospital or something.

Will this result change things? Pundits like to talk about the “Overton window” (named for the political scientist Joseph Overton), the changing estimate of where the American political mainstream lies. Some figures, such as JFK or Reagan, are said to have moved the window to the left or right.

Trump moved it down—right down the aisle. Trump has stripped American politics of decency, dignity, integrity and all traces of character. Can America Go Back? Can the excrement be pushed back into the colon?

As terrible as Trump has been, this election seems to be more about pocketbook issues. It illustrates a new American political axiom: If you are a racist sexual predator and a narcissistic psychopath who shames and demeans the presidency on a daily basis, your popularity may suffer due to high gas prices.

Whatever the reason, it was a huge night for Democrats. Maybe they could build themselves a big triumphal arch or something.

As for Trump, his beautiful ballroom will now be a bunker. The enemy is closed.

Now it’s up to the Democrats to do their thing. Two years from now, there’s a chance to scrape those golden Dollarama doodads off the Oval Office wall. Don’t blow it, people.