Much of the current discourse on maternity, whether positive or negative, revolves around babies. On the positive side, the common refrain is about a baby’s smile, a toddler’s snuggle, the fleeting sweetness of being locked away for a nap and breathing in a toddler’s special scent. On the negative side, mothers complain about lack of sleep, endless sleep. thingand constant crying.
It’s no surprise that early childhood tends to receive the highest bills. It’s a special and intense time. Today also comes closest to another concern in today’s broader parenting conversation: whether to parent (or whether to parent again).
However, a large part of parenting, both work and pleasure, is not centered around the baby.
Now that my youngest of four is almost 3 years old, my eldest is approaching 12, and our family’s infancy is coming to an end, I find myself reflecting on our transition to this “all kids, no babies” phase.
Make “sweet” bittersweet
My third son started attending kindergarten last week. Until now, I had been attending a part-time kindergarten. I can’t deny that I shed a few tears when I realized that this was my new normal. The other day I put my 2-year-old son down for a nap in his toddler bed, and for the first time in his life, there was no big brother waiting for me downstairs. And of course, even this new normal is temporary.
In a few weeks, we will run out of toddler beds. (The long-awaited second set of bunk beds will arrive one day, too.) Plus, in a few months, no one will be napping anymore. I probably haven’t had my last contact nap yet (lots of big brothers means lots of onlookers at sporting events during nap time), but it’s coming, and it’s coming soon.
Having children means constantly grieving what you have lost, enjoying what you are observing, and at the same time anticipating what comes next. Having multiple kids means you may be doing all of these things in overdrive.
Starting in 2021, I will be reading to the crew over breakfast. When the third book appeared, the nights became so unpredictable that some picture books became unreadable. However, we will take a break during the summer. When I resumed my grade reading routine a few days ago, I was glad that I didn’t have to yell and watch over my 2-year-old, who babbled at the top of his lungs throughout this ritual last school year. Instead of competing with me for attention, he said, “stuart little”What a joy! Then I thought about how my older child would go on to high school in a few years. The time you spend with four eager listeners around the breakfast table is fleeting.
look? overdrive.
The problem is that being happy about your child’s growth doesn’t eliminate the sadness that comes with it. Especially since in a normal and healthy family environment each child grows faster than the previous one. My 2 year old son has the interests of a 5 year old and my 5 year old son has the interests of an 8 year old.
But we can choose what we focus on. With our conversations so focused on babies and toddlerhood, it becomes difficult to focus on the unique and equally special times with older children.
Sometimes the lack of emotional empathy on the part of mothers who seem to resent their children’s diminishing demands and say, “I’m so glad it’s over,” an unwillingness to acknowledge that a family where everyone is diaper-free does indeed bring blessings.
Laying the Foundation for Family Joy
There’s really no dichotomy between “I want to drown in my baby forever” and “I want to be released from this motherly hell.”
Each stage of motherhood looks and feels different. For now, it seems like I can finally pay attention to my teenagers’ baseball games and cross country meets instead of struggling with a fussy baby.
In that liminal space – active motherhood but not motherhood – there can and will be real joy if you admit it to yourself.
Here’s some advice from someone who’s going through this transition period to put you in a position to do just that.
When your kids are young, sweat the big things, but don’t sweat the small things. Have you ever met a naturally functional adult who can’t tie his shoelaces or drink from a regular cup?I haven’t. Preparation milestones like these occur naturally, and it doesn’t really matter when they happen. No need to press. However, some are worth pursuing. Becoming a kind of “misbehaved mother” can have tremendous benefits, because well-behaved, well-mannered big kids are a lot of fun, but misbehaved, unruly kids are almost a nightmare. Additionally, starting and continuing skills like potty training, reading, socializing, and swimming early on can put your child in a position to be independent and earn a side job. you — behaviorally, academically, athletically, and socially. That’s exactly what you want, because that’s exactly what’s good for him or her (mother’s pain aside).
Be as much of a cheerleader as you can. Much of the ennui in parenting older children comes from over-involvement. It’s not just the vehicles you see everywhere. It’s the chores and academic scaffolding appropriate for a 7-year-old when the child is 11, and the behavioral concerns appropriate for a 3-year-old when the child is 7. However, if you demand high standards early on, you can sit back and encourage your child often. If all the “duties” such as proper behavior, basic manners, and reading were followed years ago, you can experience your child’s wins (and losses) purely as his or her number one fan. In this context, individuation can indeed be very attractive. In the past six months alone, I’ve watched my oldest son win his school’s “Pie” contest, my two older sons win the Rec League Baseball Championship, and my third son run his first cross country race. That’s sublime.
Please introduce what you like. There is only one rule for reading aloud in the morning: it has to be a book you like. Of course, I also pay attention to what my children will enjoy. But as your child grows up, you can replace the monotony of “Little Blue Truck” with an engaging story. I have a boy, and I’ve read most of my favorite “girly” books.Little Women’ to american girl series. This also applies to movies, hobbies, etc. My 11 year old son is now a real competitor at Scrabble. My husband and I have enjoyed rewatching many of our favorite movies and being introduced to many of our favorite local and vacation spots through the eyes of my husband and his brother.
Tell them the truth. You can have real conversations with older children. In fact, there’s no need to superficially hide what happened in the news or what you think about it. (But you’ll need to inculcate the virtue of tact first). It gives them the intellectual and moral trust they share with their spouses and allows them to build a family culture in a wider world that lacks both reason and honesty. Honestly, this is pretty great in more ways than one.
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Elizabeth Grace Matthew writes about books, education, and culture. on substack.
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